Apple doesn't like listing me as "Will Shakespeare (poetry blogger)"
to differentiate me from the other guy, although everybody else does.
They took my first book but now won't take new ones. (Go figure.)
Since Smashwords distributes my books to Apple anyway,
just go to my Smashwords author page and download EPUBs from there.
Smashwords provides samples of my books also.

Monday, March 11, 2013

The Hate Sonnet (with apologies to Elizabeth Barrett Browning)

A parody of Browning's Sonnet 43, which famously begins
"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways..."
(You can read the original at this link to the site.)
First written when I was in the tenth grade, as part of
an English assignment (and illustrated, as I recall, with 
a sinister Snoopy throwing knives at a nervous female beagle).
I got an A for it. In the eleventh grade I rewrote the last two lines 
and resubmitted it, receiving another A... then eventually
I lost the original. Although I remember a few of the lines,
I wanted to completely redo it; this is my first attempt.
The trick comes in making allusions to the original
while still creating something entirely unique.
Don't be surprised if this becomes a running project,
with occasional rewrites. I really "love" the concept!

How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways:
Thy charms doth pale beside the hungry gator.
Friends flee in fear, though darkness hide thy face.
Thou hast the wit of half a French-fried tater.
Thy scent is best described as “Eau de Sludge”;
When bathing, thou shouldst use a fungicide.
This much is true, my dog can be thy judge;
He sniffed thy hand but once... then promptly died.

Thine eyes have glazed. I see I needs be frank:
If romance be a ship, thou art the plank.
In matters of the heart, thou art a lummox;
If romance be a horse, thou art its buttocks!
Could death make this love better? ‘Tis a cinch!
So dost thou get it now, ye little wench?

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