ATTENTION IPAD USERS!
Apple doesn't like listing me as "Will Shakespeare (poetry blogger)"
to differentiate me from the other guy, although everybody else does.
They took my first book but now won't take new ones. (Go figure.)
Since Smashwords distributes my books to Apple anyway,
just go to my Smashwords author page and download EPUBs from there.
Smashwords provides samples of my books also.

Friday, March 13, 2015

Another Vacation

I’m working on some fiction,
The kind that doesn’t rhyme.
I won’t be posting for a while
Until I have more time.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Going on Blind Data

I’m not certain what she looks like;
I just take her at her word.
She could be Medusa’s cousin
Or a cow cut from the herd.

Yes, I see her posted picture;
It’s quite prominent online.
But a picture’s just a picture;
She might not be quite so fine.

Though her dossier’s quite thorough
I can’t verify she’s her,
And although things seem in order
She might even be a sir!

That’s the risk when you start dating
Girls next door in cyberspace;
Though she’s virtually perfect
Her true past may be erased.

Monday, March 9, 2015

Itty Bitty Kitty

That itty bitty kitty
It clawed up my nice new chair
That itty bitty kitty
It left lots of scratches there
It’s barely as big as my balled-up fist
But the damage it caused just could not be missed
That itty bitty kitty
It clawed up my nice new chair

That itty bitty kitty
Threw cat litter everywhere
That itty bitty kitty
It snarled and the dog got scared
It looks like it’s merely a ball of fur
But it arches its back and it causes a stir
That itty bitty kitty
Threw cat litter everywhere

That itty bitty kitty
I want that thing out of here
That itty bitty kitty
It’s the sum of my darkest fears
I won’t live my life as some scared cat’s paw
No, I’ll send it to live with my mother-in-law
That itty bitty kitty
I want that thing out of here…NOW!

Friday, March 6, 2015

C Notes

By taking vitamin C each day
My minimum needs are filled;
I get a dozen oranges’ worth
By taking just one pill.
I don’t wind up with sticky hands
Or piles of orange peel.
Plus, given how much the fresh fruit costs,
My vitamins are a steal!

In centuries past, a pirate crew
Was a scurvy crew indeed,
For they had no C to keep them well
When they sailed for months at sea.
So count your lucky stars, my friend!
Though most folks aren’t angelic,
They might act even worse without
These tasteless little pellets.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

March, Not Slide

“In like a lion, out like a lamb,”
The old folks used to say…
But what I’d like to hear is how
To send the snow away.

Monday, March 2, 2015

Gray Sweats Blues

This 12-bar blues song could use more verses, but this is all I have for now. And for those who don’t know, “tats” is slang for tattoos.

Some people, they like Spandex
They blind you at the gym
They think they’re looking good
With their florescent skinny limbs
Just give me gray sweats
The soggy blotchy stinky kind
Don’t want no bright distractions
When I got heavy workouts on my mind

Some people rip their sleeves out
To prove their tats are cool
Their biceps swell with effort
While proclaiming “There’s No Rules!”
Just give me gray sweats
I like ‘em boring, nondescript
Don’t wanna read no slogans
Don’t want discussions, boy—just get me ripped

Friday, February 27, 2015

Six Inches Under

Dearly beloved, I write this ode
In memory of this once-clear road
On which we went anywhere we planned—
But now, on which we can barely stand!
There’s ice beneath and snow on top;
If your car gets going, it won’t soon stop!
Too late you’ll see the danger zone;
Repair bills will kill all the cash you own.
Just trust me, the road to ruin won’t show…
But it’s there, under half a foot of snow.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Recurring Injury

You had such dreams
You meant to do so much
But it took you out of the game
You thought you recovered
You thought you had it beat
But now it’s just more of the same

Twice, thrice, four times over
Defying all logic
The bad luck returns

Over and over and over again
You thought you were healthy
Only to fall
Over and over and over again
The same thing happens
It’s over after all
For now

Monday, February 23, 2015

The Mail of the Species

Hello, Mr. or Mrs. [name misspelled]!
Your credit has been pre-approved;
One of our exorbitantly-priced vehicles
Can be yours if you hurry!
Here’s a great deal on your magazine
Subscription which expired seven months ago;
We know you didn’t mean to let it expire
And the 15 renewal notices we sent
Must have simply slipped your mind.
Every year, millions of yard gnomes are stolen;
Your monthly gift of $40 can help stop the madness.
We’re sending you this handwritten solicitation because
We desperately need you to believe we care
About you. (And your money.)
But this is a limited-time offer. ACT NOW!

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Pipe Dreams

The temperature dropped
And the pressure rose;
The pipe burst open
And there she flows!

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Fleeting Moments

Sometimes you think you have forever;
Sometimes it seems like time is dragging by
But it ends suddenly
Before you even realize the end has come

Moments disguised as eternity
Prove to be little more than snapshots,
Afterimages of a star gone supernova
Captured by fading memories

Monday, February 16, 2015

Everyone Knows It’s Windy

It roars through the branches of tall swaying trees
And swoops down your neck till your nether lands freeze.
The chills make you reach for your mittens and long johns
But still, you turn blue like a nude in the Yukon.
You don scarves and ski masks, fur parkas and ear muffs,
Then shoehorn your feet into thick fuzzy mukluks;
The trembling won’t stop! ‘Cause there’s no place to hide
When the winter wind‘s swirling and you’re stuck outside.

Friday, February 13, 2015

Hors d'Oeuvres

Don’t recognize the word? It’s those little finger foods you get before the main meal and it’s pronounced something like or-DURVZ.

It’s what those hungry French folk call
A tasty dish that’s finger-lickin’…
But here in the southern USA
We call that Colonel Sanders’s chicken.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Scrambling Eggheads

They had it all planned
From the top to the bottom
But they wanted too much
And look what it got ‘em!
Their schedule’s way too crowded now
And, for all their brains, they don’t know how
To get this project done on time—
Sometimes being too smart’s a crime!

Monday, February 9, 2015

Bright

Squinty eyes
It gives me squinty eyes
‘Cause it’s bright
So bright it hurts
It’s a summer day in February
And it’s great
It’s been so gray so long, sooo long…
So long, gray
‘Cause it’s bright
And I’m squinting for joy

Saturday, February 7, 2015

Dimples

In case you don’t know: The dimples on a golf ball control its aerodynamics, allowing it to fly straighter… or so manufacturers claim.

Despite great advancements in dimple arrangement,
My shots and the fairway remain in estrangement.
Though ballmakers say, “To straight shots we’re committed…”
My golf ball still curves out of bounds when I hit it.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Night of the Living Dad

It’s dark outside.
He stumbles from the bedroom, barely awake,
Lurching awkwardly down the hallway
To the bathroom.
His constant bump, bump, bump against the wall
Wakes the kids, who run out to greet him:
“Daddy, Daddy!”
His mouth moves but the grunts
Are a bad overdub from a Japanese monster flick.
He blindly swipes at them but
They just giggle and dodge.
After he’s done, he staggers back to bed,
The kids staggering and grunting behind him.
He wakes up in the morning,
His shuffling journey forgotten…
But he still can’t figure out
How the kids wound up in bed with him.

Monday, February 2, 2015

After the Stupor Bowl

Early morning pregame show
Began but I was moving slow.
Picked up speed throughout the day
As every channel had their say.
The pizza came before the game.
(We ate it but the crust was lame.)
The national anthem made us weep;
By gametime we were half asleep.
The first half was a game of chess
And Katy should have worn MUCH less
At halftime! We were getting tired;
A shot of caffeine got us wired
So we could watch the second half.
New England had the final laugh
But not before our eyes got glazed;
We crashed before the final plays.
I woke up, twisted in a knot—
My neck is sore, my back is shot.
My dream day wound up in the pits…
I waited all year long for THIS?

Friday, January 30, 2015

A Rash Suggestion

Some poem ideas are just plain strange
but this one struck me as kinda cute…
and before you ask, I have no idea why!

Their names are often multi-syllable
But many rashes are easily killable.
For them, a store-bought cream is best…
But qualified doctors should kill the rest.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Less Than Promising

Just another dream from which I awoke
Just another day spent plodding along
Just another chance that’s less than promising…
That’s all I can see right now

And when my awakening seems rudest
I wonder if it’s worth the effort
I wonder if it’s worth the pain
I wonder if it’s worth the weariness…

But I answer yes
Because I know
The alternative is less than promising
So I dream again

Monday, January 26, 2015

The Literary Omnivore

Devoured by a hungry mind,
This book is just an empty rind;
Our bookworm left the cover only.
(Guess he binges when he’s lonely!)
Philosophy’s his normal meat;
This romance seems a bit too sweet…
But crumbled letters on his shirt
Betray his penchant for dessert.

Friday, January 23, 2015

Copped Cakes

Who ate all the pastries?
He musta scarfed ‘em down!
I know I had a dozen here
But now they can’t be found.
In time I’ll find the culprit though—
He’ll soon be feeling dismal
And need my help… because I hid
Our jug of Pepto Bismol!

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

He Sent, She Sent

No loud voices, just sore thumbs;
“Signal found” so here it comes!
Cryptic texts, emoticons
All race down cyber autobahns
With reckless speed, each careless thought
Goes ripping through a fragile psyche fraught
With doubt.
By airing out
Their anger, they showed no regard
For others. Now they’ve made it hard
To have a calm consideration
Of the facts. This conflagration
Could have been avoided, had
They held their peace ‘til they weren’t mad.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Put It on a Ritz

Note to self: Never write verses when hungry…

Chicken salad;
Deviled ham;
Fresh fried squash straight from the pan;
Sour cream and bacon bits;
Hard-boiled eggs are surefire hits!
Pepperoni grilled with cheese;
Banana topped with chocolate (please!);
Peanut butter;
Potted meat;
Processed cheese whiz—
Yeah, let’s eat!

Friday, January 16, 2015

Heated Conversation

He wants to turn the furnace up;
She wants to turn it down.
The battle goes on endlessly
Though neither makes a sound.
Their constant readjustment of
The thermostat goes on
With sly manipulations when
One thinks the other’s gone.

Their love life’s growing chillier
With every passing day,
For neither’s giving up the fight—
Each wants the final say.
The scorecard shows that neither wins;
There’s no chance for a draw
‘Til he decides it’s time to chill
And her heart starts to thaw.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Telephonies

Those scammers call me all the time—
I wish they’d call it quits!
Their constant interruptions give
My family constant fits.
Since they’re so proud of their ability
To counterfeit,
I vote we bury them for real
Beneath a pile of… litigation.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Only a Fantasy Football

I thought my team was big and tough;
To win it all, they had enough.
But playoffs sent my boys a-packing;
In truth, their skills were sorely lacking.

Friday, January 9, 2015

The Weatherman’s Lament

Somewhere it’s warm and the weather’s inviting,
With pleasures and thrills some find very exciting.
Elsewhere it’s cold and there’s snow on the slopes
Where ski racers-in-training are learning the ropes.
But you gripe the weather was not as predicted;
The storms didn’t move as my best maps depicted.
At least you’re not working! While you lounge or ski,
I’m stuck with this green screen in Studio 3.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Carpe Sodium

Impulsive actions backfire and
The misery’s your fault;
Some facts mislead unless you take them
With a grain of salt.

Monday, January 5, 2015

Resolute

Hi, gang -- I'm back from the holidays! I hope you had as nice a time as I did.

I've got some non-poetry projects in the works, however, so posting may be a bit irregular for a while... but I'm still shooting for 3 times a week, just like last year.

It’s time to start anew.
It’s time to rise from sleep
And face the year before us
With a vision, strong and deep.
Success is never guaranteed;
We might fail, destitute…
But failure is a certainty
Unless we’re resolute.