Feng shui (pronounced fung shway) is a Chinese practice
that is supposed to “balance the energies” of a given area
so people living and working there will be better off.
The front door’s hanging crooked and
The kitchen window sticks;
The bathroom floor is sagging—
I should prob’bly get that fixed.
But my neighbor’s into feng shui
And she says to let it be
‘Cause these flaws in house construction
Will create a happier me.
She hung mirrors in the hallway.
Now I scare myself each day
When I step out of my bedroom
'Cause there’s someone in my way.
There’s more clutter in the stairwell
‘Cause she added potted plants
And a motherload of ladybugs
To fill my bed and pants.
Now, perhaps in ancient China
Feng shui made one wise and rich…
But in my world, all it’s done is
Make my family cry and bitch.
So if you’re a true believer
And not one whose moods are faddish,
You can buy my feng shui mansion—CHEAP!
(The ladybugs come gratis.)