ATTENTION IPAD USERS!
Apple doesn't like listing me as "Will Shakespeare (poetry blogger)"
to differentiate me from the other guy, although everybody else does.
They took my first book but now won't take new ones. (Go figure.)
Since Smashwords distributes my books to Apple anyway,
just go to my Smashwords author page and download EPUBs from there.
Smashwords provides samples of my books also.

Monday, March 31, 2014

Lord of the Rungs

Based on the Bible story of “Jacob’s Ladder”
in Genesis 28:10-22. Some newer translations
call it a stairway, which is probably where
Led Zepp got the idea for Stairway to Heaven.
I tried to make this sound like an old folk poem.
Btw, Bethel means “house of God.”

While Jacob stretched out on the ground,
A rock beneath his head,
He slipped into a sleep so deep
You’d think that he was dead.

And in his dreams a stream of angels
Traveled up and down
Along a giant ladder hung
‘Twixt heaven and the ground.

There, gazing down from far above,
The Lord to him did speak:
“I am the Lord. I give to you
The land on which you sleep.

"Through you and all your progeny
The whole earth I will bless,
And I’ll protect and care for you
Wherever you may rest.”

When Jacob woke, he bowed and said,
“The Lord is in this place!
If God will love and care for me,
I’ll always seek His face.”

So Jacob built a pillar there
That used his pillow stone,
And called this new land Bethel
Where God called him as His own.

Friday, March 28, 2014

The Second Half (Sanitized Version)

A lament for sport fans with young kids
watching their team lose BIG.
(Like they don’t know what you REALLY mean…)

When things go bad
It takes too long.
You want it to stop
But it just keeps on.
It wears you out
But what can you do?
Your team got beat…
And you feel like Pooh.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Angry Birds

It all began with one little tweet—
A few frustrated pecks at a keyboard
Echoing through an empty cyber sky.

It was a fowl sound
That never should have been uttered…
But a note once tweeted
Can never be called back.

Other birds took up the song,
Each louder and more discordant
    than the last.
The noise summoned hungry birds of prey,
Hunting simply because they could.
They didn’t even eat
What they killed.

In the end
The unsuspecting victims were forgotten
While the vultures gloated together
    over the carcasses.
Alfred Hitchcock would have been proud;
He knew how terrifying angry birds can be.

Monday, March 24, 2014

The Cult of the Sacred Undergarment

I have no idea what could have spawned
this creed, this “statement of belief,”
but the whole concept made me laugh. Hard.

We, the wearers of the sacred undergarment,
Gather as one in this communal laundry
To celebrate our dedication to morality
Despite the discomfort it may cause us.

For we know that society cannot long endure
Without those who stand against moral looseness.
Indeed, it is human to rebel against restraint!
Who among us has not felt the desire to be free?
Who among us has not suffered grievously for our beliefs?
And yet we soldier on, undeterred by the temptation
To throw off these restraints
And live with licentious abandon.
Our reward shall be the greater for our suffering.

Be it known that all are welcome to this assembly—
Be they opulent boxers or puritanical briefs;
Be they staid panties or decadent bikinis;
Be they common cotton, slippery spandex,
     or the rarest of silks.
All are welcome to this assembly
For we know that all may achieve
A state of perfect holeyness
If with endurance they perform
     their appointed duties. Amen.

Friday, March 21, 2014

The Cockroach

It's good to remember that everybody has a weakness...

Some say that the cockroach will grow and thrive
Though nobody else remains alive.
Perhaps Armageddon won’t sound their knell…
But wait till they check in a roach motel!

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Gone with the Win

March Madness comes in like a lion each year
And goes out like a lamb to the slaughter.
No matter how good all our picks seem to be,
Our brackets don’t work like they oughter.

The top seeds get bounced by the lower seed teams;
Our favorites fall by the way.
No matter how thorough our research may be,
Our picks lose with one stupid play.

And that’s when the bitching and moaning will start
As more brackets get tossed in the can…
But not me! Once my home team is out of the hunt,
Like Rhett Butler, I won’t give a damn.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Unful-Phil-ed Expectations

Although I do a number of limericks on another blog,
I think this is the first one I’ve done here.
It’s dedicated to that insufferable Punxsutawney Phil.

Phil the Groundhog has left us all glum;
It’s been six weeks but spring hasn’t come.
Though his fur-covered form
May keep most of him warm,
I sure hope his damned shadow is numb.

Friday, March 14, 2014

The Snack Pit

I’d like to lose the extra weight
I gained from all the food I ate
But there’s no chance of getting fit
When I fall in the snack pit.
I pass it every day at work…
But every day, just like a jerk,
I never pass it by at all—
The snack pit sounds its siren call.

The rattlesnacks surround me there.
Their vibrant crinkle fills the air
And soon I’m eating left and right,
A victim of their salty bite.
And though I’m not a health food nut
(You’d know that if you saw my gut)
The gardensnacks are fresh and new…
So soon I eat the fruit bars too.

I know I won’t escape today;
There’s danger all along my way.
The snack pit’s in the central place
Where all us rats are forced to race.
The gardensnacks are there, I fear;
The rattlesnacks are drawing near…
And me? I’ll stop and stuff and grouse
Until I’m bigger than a house.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

A Rhyme Takes Time

When Dr. Seuss was on the loose
And writing his crazy verse,
Many a bard was quite inspired—
Although their verse was worse!
Aspiring poets may not know it
But poetry’s hard work;
It takes some time to make things rhyme
And not sound like a jerk.

So should we shun the eager one
Whose verse is a little rough?
Should we refuse to be amused
And tell him “That’s enough”?
That isn’t wise. Let’s not despise
The struggling poet’s work;
He may persevere till his work draws cheers…
And then WE’d be the jerks.

Monday, March 10, 2014

My Daddy Drives a Spaceship

Inspired by the Audi commercial
My Dad Is an Alien.

My Daddy drives a spaceship;
It’s a Star Wars kind of craft.
When Princess Mama mentions it
She tries hard not to laugh.

He says it was a new ship once,
A shiny cabriolet
He bought in a galaxy long ago
And oh so far away.

But now it’s just a hunk of junk…
Or so it seems to me.
It’s seen too many Kessel Runs
And flights from Tattooine.

We tried a jump to hyperspace
To join the traffic flow.
Instead, we got that clunky sound
That means the ship won’t go.

The hairy guy at Joe’s Garage
Just smiled as we pulled in;
He knew my Daddy’s spaceship
Needed lots of work again.

They’re always working on his ship,
That Wookie and his boys.
They know he’ll never part with it—
It’s Daddy’s pride and joy.

But Princess Mama’s not amused.
She said she’s not a dodo
And next time Daddy flies his ship,
He’ll have to do it Solo.

Friday, March 7, 2014

The World of Tomorrow

The world of tomorrow’s a wonderful place:
When it comes, life will move at a less hectic pace.
We won’t have to cook; we’ll just swallow a pill.
We won’t have to work; robot slaves have the skill.
Our cars will all fly and they won’t ever crash.
We won’t have pollution; we’ll reuse our trash.
We’ll have no more sickness, we’ll have no more war—
No matter your pet peeve, we’ll have it NO MORE.
We know this because the world fairs of the past
Have predicted this future is coming… and fast!
Oh yes, I’ll admit that their timing was off
And it’s caused so-called “realists” to snicker and scoff
But it’s coming! It is! You just have to believe
That we humans aren’t selfish, we’re never naïve,
And we’ll never make choices we’ll live to regret.
Doesn’t history show that’s a pretty safe bet?
Yes, the world of tomorrow’s a wonderful place—
So go wipe that smirk off your skeptical face.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

C-Rex

Some people say the dinosaur
     evolved into a chicken.
It seems to me that, if that’s true,
     the plot has merely thickened
‘Cause wouldn’t giant chickens be
     a goal for modern breeders?
They’d be a revelation
     for those truly hardcore eaters!
Forget the monster burgers…
     they could order monster legs!
But could you eat a breakfast
     with a single scrambled egg?
Your pool-sized crock pot might take days
     to get that stewed bird done;
You wouldn’t order chicken wings—
     you’d only order one!
Commercials starring Chickasaurus Rex
     would be amazin’—
The cows that shill for Chic-Fil-A
     would not act quite so brazen.
But if hens come from dinosaurs,
     I hope they don’t revert
‘Cause if they put the bite on us
     I’m pretty sure it’d hurt.

Monday, March 3, 2014

Stomping on Tokyo Town (aka Godzilla’s Tokyo)

To the tune of the Red Hot Chili Peppers’
Under the Bridge. The song is interesting to me
because the original doesn’t really have a rhyme scheme.

Sometimes I’m bored with destroying this city
Sometimes I feel like the movie should end
With the city still standing
The city of Tokyo
Weary as I am
I stomp her again

I stomp on her streets ‘cause
I don’t fit her sidewalks
I rip up her trains ‘cause
They get in my way
She greets me with tanks
But her efforts are wasted
Weary as I am
They’re no more than flies

I don’t understand her will
She won’t last the day
Tokyo will be landfill
When I’m done today

It’s hard to believe but
The people rebuild her
I knock her back down and
They do it again
It doesn’t make sense
But it gives me a purpose
Weary as I am
I kiss her bye-bye

And I don’t understand her will
She won’t last the day
Tokyo will be landfill
When I’m done today

Stomping on Tokyo Town
The people run away
Stomping on Tokyo Town
The buildings fall away
Stomping on Tokyo Town
There’s not much more to say
Stomping on Tokyo Town
I gave ‘em hell today