Ran Out of Time

tick tick tick tick
    time does not stop
tick tick tick tick
    old year moves on
tick tick tick tick
    till no time’s left
tick tick tick tick
    old year’s near gone
tick tick tick tick
    new year’s heart beats
tick tick tick tick
    beats strong like drum
tick tick tick tick
    waste no more time
tick tick tick tick
    new year’s eve comes
tick tick tick… GONE

Rat Patrol

Though visions of sugarplums danced in their heads,
‘Twas M&Ms hitting the floor.
The kids made a mess and the holiday’s done…
But the mice know tonight THEY can score!
As Jimmy and Johnny and Sally and Sue
Drag wearily back to their beds,
The scouts are alerting the whole Rat Patrol:
It’s time that the army got fed!
Now dozens of soldiers are charging about
On hundreds of tiny white feet;
Although they weren’t stirring the night Santa came,
Tonight’s haul will be pretty sweet!
And somewhere, that jolly old elf sits and grins
‘Cause somehow, it only seems right
That visions of red, green, and blue M&Ms
Should make all the mice dance tonight.

No Crime Like the Present

A holiday tradition? Yes, the poorly-chosen gift
Brings mirth to our festivities; it gives us all a lift.
The tasteless Christmas sweater, the gaudy Christmas tie,
And all the dancing, singing dolls that make us wonder, “Why?
What madness fell upon Aunt Lil to make her purchase THAT?
And who left Uncle Tom alone to buy up all THIS crap?”
The poorly-chosen gift might be our oldest Christmas rite…
Except for maybe fruitcakes. (Let’s not bring those up, alright?)

They Left It on the Doorstep Here

Another new Christmas carol, to the tune of
It Came Upon the Midnight Clear.

They left it on the doorstep here,
That present that Amazon sold;
Delivery was at half past three—
At least, that’s what I’m told.
But there’s no package awaiting me
So I gave the mailman a ring…
And while that silly Muzak played
I didn’t learn a thing.

For though I ordered it in advance
In hopes of avoiding this game,
It doesn’t matter how hard I try;
The outcome’s always the same.
The gifts I’ve chosen are out of stock
Or multiple orders get crossed;
And should the packages finally ship,
Along the way they get lost.

The days till Christmas are hast’ning on;
Now all of the good stuff’s been sold
And all my planning’s been shot to hell—
My mailman’s answer was cold:
When forms I’ve filed tell them that the box
Is gone from my doorstep here,
Perhaps they’ll choose to make good my claim
And save my Christmas cheer. [optional: AMEN!]

Christmas Superhero

Another Christmas song parody—this time,
a parody of a parody! The tune is from
Weird Al Yankovic’s Christmas at Ground Zero.
I rearranged the verses a bit to eliminate
the instrumental part; it’s a bit easier to sing this way
and you could write all kinds of extra verses to sing…

He’s a Christmas superhero
Though he isn’t very svelte
When he walks, he jiggles
‘Cause his big belly wiggles
As it hangs over his belt
He’s a Christmas superhero
But his costume’s not très chic
Such a pimpish vibe isn’t dignified
When you walk an L.A. street

All the kids are screaming for attention
Impossible demands for Christmas night
He’s been thinking things we shouldn’t mention—
Those little monsters are his Kryptonite

Even Christmas superheros
Don’t get to double-park their sleigh
So the traffic patrol
Called Animal Control
And they hauled his deer away
Hey, Christmas superhero!
The barman’s getting tough:
“With your big red nose and your ho-ho-hos
Bud, I think you’ve had enough!”

Staggering into the sports department
Pulling down a shotgun from the shelf
No one here believes he’s hunting partridge—
He’s gonna be a naughty little elf!

The Christmas superhero
Is bringing it this year
The shoppers are running
‘Cause Santa Claus is coming
With a boomstick of Christmas cheer
The Christmas superhero
Is driving ‘em lively and quick;
Whether naughty or nice, you better think twice
‘Bout a visit from old Saint Nick.
Whether naughty or nice, you better think twice
‘Bout a visit from old Saint Nick!

Greens with Envy

The Joneses’ house is blanketed in greenery and wire.
Those fifty-thousand lights look like a blazing forest fire…
At least, they did until the street’s transformer detonated.
So why are all the neighbors in a rush to duplicate it?

Working the Puppy Dog Eyes

He lays on a mat in the back bedroom,
Apparently asleep.
Suddenly one ear perks up
And four paws thunder down the hall…
Someone’s in the kitchen!

He sits at attention in front of the oven,
Apparently frozen.
Suddenly both ears perk up
And those puppy dog eyes beg for pity…
Some of that cheese wouldn’t hurt, either!

He gets what he wants with
Apparently little effort.
Suddenly the injustice of it all hits you
And you just shake your head…
If only YOUR boss was so easily swayed!

iChristmas

A parody of the holiday classic White Christmas.

I’m dreaming of an iChristmas
‘Cause Apple’s admen tell me so.
Pricy iPads glisten
And kids won’t listen
When Dad says the budget’s blown.
I’m dreaming of an iChristmas
Though iPhone data rates are high.
May your iStore apps all work fine
And the debt you incur not make you whine.

Snowing Sideways

Sunday’s football games inspired this parody
of Fleetwood Mac’s Go Your Own Way.

Pass through it—
Is it the right thing to do?
How can I
When I can’t even see the field?
If I could
Maybe I’d give it a whirl;
How can I
When the ball freezes to me?

[chorus] 'Cause it's snowing sideways
Snowing sideways
We keep falling down
The drifts get in our way
It keeps snowing sideways
Snowing sideways

It’s knee high;
Too much snow on the ground.
You can’t run—
Slipping up’s all you’re gonna do!
If you could
Maybe you’d break through the line;
It’s open—
No one can even see you!

[chorus]

[chorus]

Achy Muscles

My achy muscles
Refuse to hustle.

The weather’s colder,
I’m getting older,

And young guys smirk
‘Cause nothing works

The way it did
When I was a kid…

But their day’s coming!
Then I’ll be humming

And laughing. “Jerks!
That’s how it works

When you feel the rustle
Of achy muscles!”

Approaching Storm

It rides the jet stream,
Soaring through the atmosphere
At thirty thousand feet,
An arctic blast that turns the earth
From balmy warm to frozen waste…
And no one can stop it.

Down below, far below,
Fur-clad humans shiver
And pray for snowplows
And wonder: Did they cause this?
Is this arctic blast the result of
Environmental irresponsibility?
Could they have prevented this?
Is there anything they can do to
Save dear old Mother Nature?
The academic debate continues…

Until the power goes out
And they face an ugly truth:
Sometimes the old girl’s just a sadistic bitch.

Grownup IT

Have you ever played a game of grownup IT?
Here’s the way you play:

The laundry is mounting; it needs to be washed and
Somebody’s got to do it. YOU’RE IT!
The grass is too tall; it needs to be mowed and
Nobody wants the job. YOU’RE IT!
The bathroom is dirty; it needs to be cleaned and
Everybody has vanished. YOU’RE IT!
There’s too much to do; it just won’t wait and
Everyone else is busy. YOU’RE IT!

Have you ever played a game of grownup IT?
I bet you didn’t mean to.

The End Is Coming

December has arrived at last;
The year will shortly end
Though not before we break the bank
On Christmas gifts again.
But then, I guess it’s just as well
The year’s not more extended
Since by December’s end
Our credit’s also been expended.