The Hate Sonnet (with apologies to Elizabeth Barrett Browning)

A parody of Browning's Sonnet 43, which famously begins
"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways..."
(You can read the original at this link to the poets.org site.)
First written when I was in the tenth grade, as part of
an English assignment (and illustrated, as I recall, with 
a sinister Snoopy throwing knives at a nervous female beagle).
I got an A for it. In the eleventh grade I rewrote the last two lines 
and resubmitted it, receiving another A... then eventually
I lost the original. Although I remember a few of the lines,
I wanted to completely redo it; this is my first attempt.
The trick comes in making allusions to the original
while still creating something entirely unique.
Don't be surprised if this becomes a running project,
with occasional rewrites. I really "love" the concept!
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How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways:
Thy charms doth pale beside the hungry gator.
Friends flee in fear, though darkness hide thy face.
Thou hast the wit of half a French-fried tater.
Thy scent is best described as “Eau de Sludge”;
When bathing, thou shouldst use a fungicide.
This much is true, my dog can be thy judge;
He sniffed thy hand but once... then promptly died.

Thine eyes have glazed. I see I needs be frank:
If romance be a ship, thou art the plank.
In matters of the heart, thou art a lummox;
If romance be a horse, thou art its buttocks!
Could death make this love better? ‘Tis a cinch!
So dost thou get it now, ye little wench?