Inspired by Usain Bolt's T-shirt.
It was the most anticipated
Race in history
(Though how they even qualified
Remains a mystery).
Olympic organizers saw
The marketing potential;
The advertising income could
Become quite influential.
The tortoise, coached by Usain Bolt,
Found novel ways to train;
The hare preferred a Playboy bunny –
Chasing was his game.
The tortoise trained by crossing streets;
Results were rather graphic –
The fender-benders mounted as
He tried to sprint thru traffic.
The hare (as most expected)
Found it difficult to focus;
He planned to win by using all
His normal hocus-pocus!
When race day came, they both agreed
To run 400 meters
(Though Bolt thought running hurdles would
Eliminate the cheaters).
"A single lap?" The hare just smiled.
"I do that in my sleep.
I doubt he'll even have a chance
To look before I leap!"
The gun went off. The tortoise pushed
The pace as you'd suppose...
He took so long to leave the blocks
The hare began to doze!
The tortoise plodded 'round the track—
You've heard this story, right?—
He slowly made his way around
As day turned into night.
In shock, the hare awoke to find
The tortoise nearly done...
And still the hare was so damn fast
He really should have won
But Bolt had planned for everything
(He doesn't like to lose)
So waiting at the finish line
Were folks from Disney Cruise
Lines. "Hey, March Hare! What's going on?
We need you on the boat!"
They snatched him up, and stuffed him in
A tea-stained riding coat,
And drug him off despite his pleas
To let him cross the line.
He spent the next three weeks aboard
A ship in bright sunshine.
The tortoise took the gold that day
Because he's not a dolt.
He knew there's just five ways to race:
Walk, jog, run, sprint, and BOLT!